I can never stay on one topic

They have offered me a raise at my job to be Bookkeeper. School seems to be getting in the way, andddd I don't really know if I'm completely cut out for that job. I mean, I'm sure I could do it. I'm just scared that I wont be like.. that great at it. I think I'm just doubting myself all together because even at school, I just really don't feel like I'm talented enough for this. can you make yourself more talented at something? I guess with time and practice comes more.. skill, and I guess that goes hand in hand with talent.. I don't know. It's only the second term so I really shouldn't be doubting myself. 3 years is a long time. and I don't know, if I'm being practical so much changes in 3 years. it scares me too with the commitment I've made... if he ever read this he would not be happy. and do not get me wrong I am completely serious about our relationship and serious about school and loving him. but like I said 3 years seems so long. I don't see myself with anyone else and I love him so much but at times it's difficult to picture that far ahead. maybe I just need to stop thinking about it like that. I'm happy today and that's all that matters.

We're starting this new project in digital editing and it's dealing with textures so we need to make a story line in order to make a scene to use our textures in. so far I have 3 story ideas, and I'm very indecisive. The first I thought of literally on the way to school today just in my own little world before I even knew of the project. I was driving and the sun was in my face and I had this thought that an interesting story would be if the sun was composed of, well not people.. but another race and that is what we see and they have access to all of the planets, but they are forbidden from one, Earth. One of the creatures becomes outlawed and he finds his way to Earth and eventually falls in love with this girl yadda yadda. but then the leader of the sun inhabitants finds his whereabouts and they invade earth. I don't know I'll need to think on it. The second is about Dave, which is my initial animated character idea. it's basically Dave and a cricket named Dinner, and Dave refuses to eat Dinner because he is Dave's best friend, so he only eats meal-worms and lettuce. and they have adventures. :P something for kids or something. The last has to do with two planets Earth and another, both with life on them. Every person on Earth has an alternate other on another planet who is their opposite but leads the same life. and they meet or something along those lines. They all need work but it's a start and I'm pretty excited for it

I miss Josh. Which is weird because we never had like that strong of a relationship, (as in a friend) but it just seems like it's been too long since I've had an update on how he's doing. I want him to meet Jose. I think it'd be really interesting. I hope he's doing well and that he is still able to withhold his relationship with his new woman. well new to me, since I just heard about her.

I talked to my friend Amanda about snowboarding, and it seems like a lot of fun, even though I suck at it and go down the mountain backwards haha. But I have only gone once so whatever. maybe a second time is what I need to start facing forward. I really wanna go but I'm all of the sudden afraid of the lift again. :P I really miss her too, she's a lot of fun to hang out with.

hmmm I have so much that I think about but I'm so hesitant to post it, I really don't want someone to take something I say wrong for their sake and of course for mine. but then again why should I care? I'm just speaking my mind after all.

damp

it's a tough realization that you are forgotten. how do you just fix something that hurts so bad? how does everything go from being really good to complete shit? in any situation I lose what my initial point is. I get walked on constantly. and I've lost everything that was real. I'm not saying that things aren't real now, like my relationship with Jose or what I'm pursuing as a career. but I feel so empty, sick.. and alone. I couldn't tell you who I am now. I'm trapped, I'm stuck in misery. I'm so deep in this hole that I have no idea how to get out. who do I even go to? I've distanced myself so much that I'm alone. and it seems once again that everyone has got it figured out but me. how is it that everyone is so happy. is it a front? or am I missing something here? so here I sit having a mental break down.. and the only thing to comfort me is sleep.

Hawaii, Buddha, A reason for more pointless posts?

I'm really nervous about going to Hawaii. Not because of the plane or anything, but because I'm afraid that I'll see the fish and the sea life and question what it is I'm doing. but then again part of me reassures myself that I am doing what I want to do. Animation is a huge interest. Me and Jose were stuck in traffic this morning and had a conversation about my fear, he told me that there is a big difference between a hobby and something that you actually want to do. I know he's right. I guess it's just hard for me to accept that things dealing with marine life is just a hobby. I mean of course I get excited and stuff. And that's when he compared it to his fighting that really saw his point. He LOVES fighting, it's been his life for quite sometime now and he realized that even though he has a strong love for it, working with law is where he needs to be. He is always so sure of himself. I wish I had that going for me. No one can touch him because he's so quick witted and sure of everything that he opens his mouth about. he thinks of things that I wouldn't have even processed in the time that he does. As you can imagine this makes it tough for me to come out on top with arguments.the entire way he was raised has made him out to be such a hardworking well rounded guy, I would definitely call him wise. I always noticed that when you spend enough time with someone you eventually pick up some of their traits or attributes, I hope that those are some of them that I accumulate. I want to be sure of myself.

I know, I know..I talk about Jose way too much. Lets change the subject a bit.
Yesterday I picked up this blank book that I decided I would keep stories, pictures, random thoughts and quotes in, I don't know why but lately I want to narrate everything that's going on, not that it's that significant.
I'm contemplating posting some of it on here. maybe eventually I will actually have people reading my silly blogs :P I want it to eventually have things taped in it, and have like torn papers and just an all around like.. used feel to it. I don't know if that makes any sense. But since it was really gay before mentioning something about cats b I added some gray duct tape to it all over the cover and it's already starting to look the part.

about 2 weeks ago Jose bought a bluenose pit puppy and she's freaking nuts. she is such a pain in the butt. but she is so gosh darn cute. she's completely attached to us. and freaked out by everything else. and it's not the scared like whimpering it's scared like ima bark at everything type scared. I'm nervous that it will be bad for her in the long run. I don't really know what to do about it. I was actually even considering trying to contact the dog whisperer guy :p she is so smart and has the potential to be an insanely good dog, but she needs a lot of work. and I'm no dog expert or whatever but I read that a puppy's crucial age for human socialization is between 5 and 13 weeks. we got Buddha at 3 months, and when we got her she was confined in a small corner with like 8 other puppies. that's what I think the problem is. because the article goes on with the symptoms and mentions that a puppy with this situation often latches itself to one or two people and that the shyness could result in hostility toward outsiders. eeeee. I really want her to be okay.

blogblogbolglasdfajklfk;adj;g.! :)

Soo I really want to start using this thing again, just because I feel like it might be good to talk about random stuff.. even if no one really reads it :P a lot is coming up in the next few months, and I'm pretty stoked. Thanksgiving is only a week away. I can't freaking believe that. wasn't it just Halloween? I have like 3 different places to be to stuff my face too. time to whip out the stretchy pants. And then of course there is Christmas, which meeaaansss Hawaii is coming up! which is now only 36 days away. :D
The new year is also coming closer, it should be very interesting. 2010 has been a pretty good year I'd say. I mean sure there were upsides and downsides, but that comes with every year. I'm starting to feel really weird as time repeats itself, and the people along with the events in my life are almost completely different. I'm beginning to let go of everything that was, which makes me sad but at the same time it's a breath of fresh air. I hope that it can lead to being happier. which I can already kind of see. I find myself excited for it to be January, because that's when everything started changing and hopefully the feeling that comes with that time will be good.


School wise, I've been learning so much and it's only been 3 months since I've started Westwood. We were doing this project in my Digital Editing class, where you have to create your own DVD cover for a movie of your choice. Of course I picked How To Train Your Dragon. :p it ended up looking pretty professional. I was really surprised. We also had to trade off with a partner, so I had to do some guy's movie. He chose Equilibrium, which I haven't seen yet, but I figured since it had a lot to do with guns and shooting, I could just put bullets and bullet holes everywhere.
Yesterday Jose bought me the new Guitar Hero. . I'm going to have no life. I'm already sitting in class waiting to go home to play. The other day when I woke up and finished brushing my teeth and went back into my room, I looked on my bookshelf, and noticed that he had left How to Train Your Dragon standing in front of all of my other DVDs just for me to find. I swear that boy is nuts. If we were to break up and I have to get the boyfriend box out, it's going to need to be a refrigerator box.. or a storage unit and neither of those are going to fit under my bed :P. I feel so bad. he's really great though, it's gonna be hard for anyone to compete.
but anyways, I think I've rambled about pointless stuff long enough, but I guess that is what I sought out to do. maybe my next blog will have more depth and insight with more cheesy lines. I think I got a few in this time :p
kbye!

oh and here's my How To Train Your Dragon DVD case :) not bad for starting out with a blank canvas. I'm pretty happy with it :)